Time to Confess

I've thought a lot about what I wanted to say here. I'm still not sure, but I'm going to try anyway.

 I guess I feel a little guilty, maybe a little ashamed I guess. They say hind-sight is 20/20, and that is very true to me right now. I haven't been honest, not really. I've let it out in small bits, but not in the way that all you have.

 I regret that now.

I'm not sure of what I'm trying to say. I've been worried about this for a long time, a sort of fear has festered that people would think of me as less, because I just haven't been... honest.

I did want to, just every time I tried to sit down and type, a deep anxiety filled me, it's scary for me to talk about myself because I rarely do and I prefer hearing others, even under an alias and even on a blog it's hard. Many times I felt like it was easier to not do anything.

So I was a coward.

But that is something I want to end. Not next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow. But today. I will continue this blog even after the semester is over or maybe I should say truly start for the very first time. It wasn't until I was able to put a face and a name to some of you, that it truly hit home for me, if finally became real. I've been a tourist, I understood that before, but now more than ever. do I realize I need to change.

But first you should get to know me a bit.

  I am a senior and nearly 18 and yet I still don't have my license.
  I absolutely love a good story of any kind, and a dream of mine is to become a master of storytelling. I am fond of and very much enjoy action and adventure, swords, guns, explosions and the like. However, I've always been a sucker for a good romance, yet I've never really had a relationship, though I have felt love's sting.
  I may seem quiet and maybe a bit timid at school, but find me with my friends and I'm the most loud and obnoxious of the bunch.
  I've always loved dogs and when my dog died four years ago, I was heart broken and I still miss him everyday.
  I was born with severe flat-footedness, so my feet have never been able to support me as well as they should, and it causes a lot of pain when I'm up too long, as such I've never been good at sports, and that has colored my reputation for as long as I can remember.
  Video games have become important to me, sounds pretty silly and pathetic to some of you, but I'm sure some of you will completely understand. It was a way for me to learn new things, hear new bold tales and adventures, and it was and is a way for me to escape, at least for a time, my anxiety and those crushing feelings of inadequacy.
  Books also, as they have acted in much of the same role, there have been many sleepless nights because I was halfway through and I needed to find out how it ends, and I didn't want to face the next day.
  I haven't talked to my grandpa in years. Even though we share a first name, he wants nothing to do with my family or what we believe in.
 
If you're still with me, thank you. I'ts been heavy, a lot of emotions have ruptured in me today.

 Until next time, but you don't have to call me Calvin Watterson any more,

Instead call me Michael Wells
 

The Great Machine

Man has invented some incredible machines.

Computers, trains, phones, televisions, planes, ovens, radios, to name a few.

Simple

All created to make our lives easier and prove our dominance over nature.

But are we really as powerful as Man's arrogance would like us to believe?

No.

It's filled with many different systems each working a small part, but an essential part. They fit together in perfect harmony.

 From the atoms and molecular structure, to DNA and the food chain, to weather patterns and tectonic movement, Earth is an amazing machine.

But even the Earth is only one small part of an even greater machine, one that even one of our most complex creations, is only meant to teach us a fraction of what it entails.

Simple

Stars and galaxies and planets orbiting in their regular motion, light, gravity, black holes, and space-time, and even those rogue planets, harmonized together in a perfect system. If even one thing is taken from out of it, the whole thing would fall apart.

The Truly Great Machine is the universe, it is nature. 

And the Mortal Man can only dream of such glory...

The One Thing

I fear.

                                          Many things scare me.

Embarrassment

Insects

The future

Pain

Death

Darkness

The unknown

                                         But there is one thing that terrifies me.

       

            Sometimes when I'm alone or everything's silent, strange things happen to me. I'll notice footsteps in another room when no one could make them. I'll hear voices and hushed tones behind my back when no one's behind me. I'll see, for a brief moment out of the corner of my eye, someone I don't recognize.

And I don't know which I should be more afraid of...

That it's all in my head, or that i'ts not.

The Trap

Do you want to know what tourism really is? It's more than just laziness or not wanting to participate, it is far more sinister than that. Tourism is a liar. It leads you astray telling you that you can always just catch up later. It is a parasite. It hides in your heart, builds up clots and feeds on your soul.

  This is a warning, don't fall for it's musings like I have done.

It can destroy from within.

It's a trap that I pray I can escape from.

I don't know why.

My legs shake and my stomach turns when I see you, and I dont know why.

I smile when you smile, and I don't know why.

I want to just hold your hand for a moment, and I don't know why.

I try hard to make you laugh, and I don't know why.

I look forward to talking with you, and I don't know why.

I feel awful when I forget to tell you something, and I don't know why.

I sneak a glance at you whenever I can, and I don't know why.

I feel both awkard and happy around you, and I don't know why.

I like taking you out and seeing you have fun, and I don't know why.

I find myself praying on your behalf, and I don't know why.

I enjoy learning about you, and I don't know why.

I hope you like seeing me to, and I don't know why.

I want to know how you truly feel about me, and I don't know why.

The Positive List

                                                            Things I  Love

• Waking up and finding out I can go back to sleep.
• Laying down on a nice green hill.
• Squashing a spider.
• Gummy Bears
• When I finally figure out how to fix something.
• Blue ink pens.
• Hearing a great song I haven't heard in years.
• Getting paid to do something easy.
• Showering after a camp out.
• When I can be weird.
• Using my dog as a pillow.
• Calvin and Hobbes...obviously.
• You, for reading this.
• When the light is green.
• Cheesecake.
• Luigi.
• Winning by a landslide.
• Nearly anything about space.
• Sounding intelligent about a subject I know nothing about.
• Listening to interesting people.
• When the computer finally boots up.
• Star Wars.
• Venting to a friend.
• Peanut Butter sandwiches.
• Living so close to mountains.
• Going on vacations.
• Getting my money's worth at a buffet.
• Not following the rules in sports.
• Hugs.
• Yelling really loud.
• Finishing at just the nick of time.
• Getting new stuff.
• Sleeping in class, and getting away with it.
• Having nothing to do.
• Saturday.
• New stuff.
• Finally finishing this post.

The Negative list.

                 THINGS I HATE

• Waking up knowing it's going to be a hard day.
• Shoes coming untied almost immediately after tying them.
• Useless, lazy, busy work.
• Cold mornings.
• When my name get's spelled wrong.
• Waiting for a girl to reply to a text.
• When she never does.
• When my dog eats my food.
• Group assignments.
• Not knowing what to talk about.
• When I tell a joke and no one laughs, or worse, when they think I'm serious.
• That the smell of broccoli makes me gag.
• When a light is left on at night.
• Red lights.
• When I over-analyze what someone says.
• Cinnamon candy.
• That I don't have very good grades.
• People who judge someone's character based on athletic ability.
• That the new Star Wars isn't coming out until next year.
• Random musical numbers outside of a musical. 
• Having to wear a tie.
• Casual, unnecessary swearing.
• People that think anonymity means they can be a jerk.
• Computer crashes.
• Spending money.
• Not spending money.
• Remembering embarrassing moments as I fall asleep.
• When I see people kissing in the halls.
• Power outages.
• The taste of gluten-free bread.
• Deadlines.
• Writer's block.
• When something doesn't live up to it's hype.
• Feeling tired even when it's not that late.
• Feelings of inadequacy. 
• Being ignored.
• Getting treated as if I have low intelligence or have some sort of mental disorder.
• That that last thing seems to happen a lot and I don't know why.
• That my cousin's a drunk and some other's have lost there way.
• That my grandfather hates my faith and church, and no longer wants anything to do with me or my family.
• Negative lists.
• Forced irony.  

Only Contact

Imagine aliens landed on earth and you have been chosen to be the ambassador for all of humanity. As you arrive they explain to you that they have never visited earth before and for whatever reason they have no plans to return. They ask of you for only one simple thing, what it means to be human. What would you tell them? They will never have the chance to hear anything else, and what is said will define humanity for them for millennium. 

Would you tell them about our cultures or our history? Explain our physical capabilities or handicaps? Perhaps how we think or feel, the simple things that make up our day to day life? What does it mean? 

Well crap, I have no idea. That's why I'm asking you.

Though if I would have to guess, on a most basic level some of it would be striving to be something better. Desires and needs to be known and heard. To love and be loved. The need to create our masterpieces our legacies. To me, it seems that throughout our history and our cultures are inspired by, at least in part, by these basic necessities.

Of course this is just one human's opinion, and a great thing about us is that we all have different ones. Agree with me or not, how would you describe humanity?

Obligatory Introduction

I've thought about using a long thought out, deep and insightful message to kick off this blog here, but I've decided against it. I'm not one for formal greetings, so why should my blog? I doubt creating inspired quotes like that can be forced, they should come naturally.

The name I have chosen for myself is Calvin Watterson. Those of you who have read the comic Calvin and Hobbes might have an idea of where I am going with it. If you haven't... WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU SOME SORT OF UNCULTURED SWINE? GET OUT OF HERE! 

Wait, I'm sorry, please don't click away. I'm only kidding of course. If you don't know who Calvin is, let me tell you about him. Calvin to me is a character who epitomizes the idea of creativity. He is only six years old and so his imagination is still very much at the forefront of his life and he is very capable of thinking profoundly. At least half of the comic is seen through the eyes of his imagination. While Calvin is pretty rambunctious and would honestly be a terror to raise and can have outbursts far worse than mine was earlier, he is tempered by his best friend Hobbes. Hobbes himself is really just another facet of Calvin's personality. To everyone else Hobbes is just a stuffed tiger doll, but to Calvin he is a wise creature of experience. He really just represents the more relaxed, considerate, and reserved side of Calvin... except when he's excited or angry, then it's a different story. 

The point I'm trying to get at here is that the two of them together create lovable stories and inspire those to think more about simple things a little more, as best a child can do. I like to think that Calvin would have made a great writer one day.

I suppose in this blog I want to emulate that a little bit. Create something that maybe will make you laugh or think or disturb or blah blah blah, you probably get the idea by now. I think we've had enough of the boring formalities by now, so how about some comics?

This is kind of how I felt today...